October 31, 1981
by angelofplottwists
Summary: The thoughts of Lily and Sirius on that fateful Halloween when Harry was a year old, and how Remus' name was cleared. A chance to read between the lines.


**A/N:** This is a contest entry on the theme 'Lullabies, Parables, and Secrets'. So, I decided to go angsty, and write my own lullaby. Yes. The song is mine. It is copyrighted to me. You can use it if you tell people I (SlashyKitty or angelofplottwists if on any other site) wrote it.

It's not betaed, but I want you to review intensively.

I only own the song and the plot. The events and characters aren't mine. (And no, the plot is not about Lily and James. Try again.)

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"James, I'm trying to get Harry to sleep!"

James Potter grinned sheepishly at his wife and sat next to her. "I just wish we could've had our annual Halloween get-together. I really miss Sirius and Peter."

"Not Remus?"

James' face hardened; belatedly Lily remembered that Remus was suspected to be the spy. She wished it wasn't the case. The werewolf had always been so kind and easygoing, and was perhaps the first of the Marauders that she had befriended, back in sixth year. It was still hard for her to imagine the thoughtful boy she'd once known as a Death Eater, even if he _was_ a werewolf.

"James…tell me again why we suspect him? I mean, just because he's a werewolf…"

"Peter found these letters in his desk, addressed from the Lestranges of all people. It's too much evidence to ignore, even if he hadn't been showing odd behavior. And he has, Lily…" The man's face was sorrowful. "I can't believe he would do this…but we can't ignore this even if he _is_ a friend. Especially if he is a friend."

Lily smiled down at Harry, but it was a sad smile. "Poor Sirius…"

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Sirius Black, the Potter's former Secret-Keeper and little Harry's godfather, was at the moment sitting in his living room drinking a Firewhiskey and wondering what the hell was wrong with himself.

First, the fact that he'd even _begin_ to suspect one of his friends, let alone Moony. Hadn't the werewolf vehemently sworn that he hated Voldemort? Hadn't he helped in the capture of too many Death Eaters to count? And suddenly he was being watched, and was suspected by even his best friends. It made Sirius sick. He had considered at least telling the man, but had been told not to by Dumbledore.

Second, the fact that he'd given up his position as Secret-Keeper so easily…he _did_ want to protect his best friend, didn't he? But a mere suggestion to change over, and he'd done it, because he was sick…sick of hiding, of lying, sick of suspicion, of fighting.

And third, the fact that he thought the first two might be connected.

War had changed everybody. It had caused James and he to mature much faster than would have been natural. It had caused Remus (it hurt him to think of the werewolf) to start graying prematurely. Peter had become even more insecure, withdrawing because he didn't know who to lean on anymore. You never could tell if they would be there next morning.

How could anyone survive this? It constantly amazed Sirius to find that no one had killed themselves yet. Perhaps the only reason not to was that if they did, their loved ones would have one less person guarding them. There would be one less person between Voldemort and victory.

_Sleep now, for the moon is nigh_

_The silver light upon the ground_

_And know my love, until you die_

_In you, my paradise is found._

_Sleep now, in the night's great womb_

_Warm and peaceful is your face_

_And upon the dreamer's loom_

_Recall again our still embrace._

He didn't realize he'd been singing until he finished. This lullaby he normally sang to Harry, whenever he was visiting. It always brought to mind another, for reasons he didn't want to think about. Especially now. He cast around for another train of thought.

_Wasn't Peter supposed to owl me tonight?_

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"This child won't sleep! James…help me out here, please." Lily glared at her only son, who gurgled and waved his hand in the air. His father returned and put an arm around his wife's shoulders.

"I'll tell him a story, maybe that'll bore him asleep."

He rooted through Lily's book of African fables, which happened to be on the table. "Umm… How's this: Hare and the corn bins? You like bunnies, don't you, Harry?"

"Bun-eh?"

"That's right, Harry. This is a story about a bunny. It lived with many other animals and they all farmed together. They farmed corn, Harry. And eventually the corn grew big, and they harvested it all. They divided it up equally. But then it got too hot to stay there, so all the animals left, except the bunny, because the bunny had a plan.

"The bunny wanted to eat all the corn. My, what a selfish bunny. Don't you agree, Lily?" The woman nodded, amused at how James never failed in getting wrapped up in the stories. "So the bunny ate all the corn while the other animals were gone, and then, when they came back, lied and said that he didn't do it. The animals were mad, because they wanted their corn. So they decided to find out who it was. They said that they would sleep, and whomever the moon shone on first was the thief. But the selfish bunny had a plan for this, too."

Lily stared at the book. This sounded too much like a current affair to be coincidence. The moon showed the truth…

"That night, the bunny slept next to the squirrel. He waited until the moon came down on him, then he swapped places with the squirrel. Then he sung until all the other animals woke up, but didn't say it was he. Then they all saw that the squirrel was in the moonlight, and believed he was the thief. They cast him out, threatening to kill him if he ever came back…"

"James…" Lily whispered, "did you notice the…"

Harry shrieked with laughter. "Bun-eh! Bun-eh!"

The father sighed. "What's that song Sirius always sings him? He always sleeps to that one."

"It began with 'sleep now' and then there was something about the moon…" She broke off. The moon was suddenly turning up everywhere. But James didn't seemed to have noticed.

"Thanks, Lily. I remember it."

_Sleep now, for the moon is nigh_

_The silver light upon the ground_

_And know my love, until you die_

_In you, my paradise is found._

_Sleep now, in the night's great womb_

_Warm and peaceful is your face_

_And upon the dreamer's loom_

_Recall again our still embrace._

Harry had finally fallen asleep. The singer went to his wife and hugged her, oddly sad. They took comfort in each other. "James, why can't it end?" sighed Lily wearily. "Why must we fight these stupid battles and accuse each other and lose trust? Why must we live in hiding? Why must our friends stay alone because they don't know who's alive…who's trustworthy…who's going to die?" Her eyes stung with pent-up tears.

"James…I miss Remus. I miss when the Order wasn't necessary. Why does Harry…why does it have to be him?" The tears finally leaked out, and she sobbed into her husband's shoulder. James held her, singing Sirius' lullaby softly.

"I don't know…Lily, I don't know."

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He'd gone to his desk intending to write to Peter, but what he did write was to Remus. It was slightly damp in some places, where he'd lost control and a tear or two had escaped. He hated the rift growing between he and his friends, hated to think it was partially his fault.

_Moony,_

_I can't say much to you, Dumbledore's orders. I haven't seen you for ages. How's life treated you? L misses you, and I'm sure P does too. Haven't seen W in ages either, so I can't speak for him. But I hope you forgive me for not writing you sooner. Trouble is, there's barely any time, what with the Order, and work and all._

_The moon's full tonight, so I expect you won't read this until tomorrow. Really wish I could be there, but alas, I don't know where you are. I'll think of you, though. As will the rest of the gang. I really miss Hogwarts just about now._

_I'm sorry this is so short. Again, there isn't much I'm allowed to say. Except that we all miss you, and I can't wait until this bloody war's over so we can live normal lives again._

_Best wishes,_

_Padfoot_

He stared at the letter once more, feeling that he'd left something incredibly important out but not knowing what it was. Frustrated, he finally rolled up the letter and sealed it. He couldn't send it by owl that night; Remus would most likely eat the transport and letter alike.

He turned to the window and stared out, once more feeling as if he was missing something. The full moon stared back at him, mocking him. Somewhere else, it was mocking Remus. Changing him. And again, the werewolf would be alone, no one and nothing to help him face the mockery but his memories.

_Sleep now, for the moon is nigh…_

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The full moon illuminated everything outdoors. Lily had always loved it, even after befriending Remus (although she did feel somewhat guilty about it), but tonight it seemed…wrong. As if it wasn't _really_ the moon up there. It looked sinister, cruel, cold, empty. It reminded her of all the problems in her life again.

James came back from the kitchen. "Nothing from Peter, we're safe tonight. Maybe we can even go outside for a little?" He looked hopefully at his wife, and she could still see the traces of the mischievous boy he'd once been in his eyes. _My Prongs,_ she thought. _And I'm so glad I fell for him after all._

_And know, my love, until I die_

_In you my paradise is found._

"I'm sorry, James, I'd love to, but…" she trailed off, looking at the moon again. "Just because Peter doesn't know about anything doesn't mean it's safe."

"At least we know for sure that Remus isn't up to anything," murmured James. In that instant Lily realised that James hated suspecting Remus even more than she did. What could it be like to find that your best friend for more than half you life has betrayed you? And after you kept their identity a secret, helped them battle the prejudices of the world? And how much harder was it on Sirius, who was seeing what he'd done accidentally in Remus' suspected actions.

"Sirius hasn't been himself lately," remarked James, in an uncanny coincidence with her thoughts. "Poor guy, he's certain it must be his fault. And he was always closer with Remus than Peter and I…"

"I don't think he fully understands why he's so depressed about it," Lily replied. "I'm not sure he knows why it's that much harder on him. Hell, I don't think he knows he's more depressed than we are. Poor guy…"

James tried to smile. "I just wish there was something we could do…I hate having to sit and watch my friends suffer…I hate not knowing if they'll be alive tomorrow morning."

"It doesn't change anything, though. Whether we live or die…it's Harry that needs to be protected so badly, not us." Lily gazed fondly at her son. "And if it comes to it, I'd die for him. Just because he's our son…poor child. With that prophecy hanging over him…"

"We don't know if it's him or the Longbottom child. This could be a false alarm, we could be perfectly safe…Dumbledore could be wrong…" James did not say what both were thinking, that Dumbledore was never wrong. "It's late, we're tired, and both of us have far more worries than are necessary. We should get some sleep, worry about this tomorrow."

"Tomorrow…that sounds like such an amazing thing. You're right, we're not exactly helping all this by staying up worrying about it. Let's get some sleep." Lily took one last fond look at her child and collapsed on the bed, hoping for instantaneous oblivion. She felt James do the same. But alas, in times of trouble sleep is a difficult goal to achieve, and both lay awake, waiting for sleep, and wishing that for once the man who guided them was wrong.

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He forced himself to sit back down and write to Peter. The letter was short, meaningless, simply inquiring about Lily and James' welfare. He didn't remember exactly what was said even seconds after finishing it, but it didn't matter. Sirius looked at the clock, winced inwardly at the time, but made no move to sleep. For some unfathomable reason, he wasn't at all ready to sleep, although he was incredibly tired.

_Maybe I'll go for a ride…go see Peter…maybe that'll help. _Resolute, he got up and donned his cloak, climbed downstairs and walked out. As he mounted his motorbike, the depression ebbed; he loved his bike and it never failed to calm him.

It was undoubtedly faster to Apparate, but Sirius had always found that he preferred the drive. It allowed time to really _see_ the world, to think. And he'd somehow managed to get it enchanted so it could fly.

His thoughts turned back to Remus as he made his way to Peter's. Was the werewolf off killing innocent Muggles or wizards at Voldemort's every bidding, or was he howling in pain at the moon? Was the man innocent? Was the wolf? Could the fraying friendship be patched again by the end of the war? Or would it finally tear?

What exactly was it that he kept forgetting to tell Remus?

The answer was delayed as Sirius neared his friend's flat. Something was not right there. He didn't know what it was, precisely, but something told him that things were not as they should be. He knocked at the door and received no reply. He attempted to open it and found it locked.

"Alohomora," he muttered, and the door swung silently forward. The flat was eerily silent, eerily neatened. Peter was gone, without notice or sign of a struggle.

_I have to go check on Lily and James. Something's wrong here, very wrong._

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Lily was just dozing off when something alerted her. She rolled over and sat up, not knowing what it was. She couldn't hear anything. Nothing at all. Perhaps that was it, normally there were a few indistinct sounds, the murmur of leaves in a breeze, rustles from unknown animals, perhaps the endless pattering of rain. Nothing tonight. Even the wind was still.

"James," she whispered. "James. Something's wrong." She shook her husband, who sat up instantly. So much for getting some rest.

"What is it?"

"I don't know. But _something_ isn't right here. Something's…changed."

"It's probably-"

But James never finished his sentence, because all of a sudden there was a knock on the door.

"James…I don't think that's Peter…"

They heard the door burst open, and time seemed to slow. "Lily! Take Harry and run! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" James shoved his wife towards their son's room.

"But James…what about you?"

"I'll buy you some time. Now go!" He pushed her into the room and closed the door, locked it. Lily hastened to Harry's side and picked him up.

She heard high, cold laughter from the other room and froze. _Voldemort…_She clutched tighter at her son, who struggled but stayed silent. Then she heard an indistinct incantation, and the cracks in the doorway glowed with green light momentarily. "James..." she whispered. "No…not James..." She cast about for the other door, was about to flee…

The door to Harry's room burst open. Lily screamed involuntarily, seeing her husband's body sprawled out on the floor. Voldemort swept in, staring at her and her son, who she clutched to her. "Not Harry, not Harry, please, not Harry!"

"Stand aside, you silly girl…stand aside, now.."

"Not Harry, not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead!" she screamed. "Please, leave Harry…" _James!_ shrieked her mind, and she was trembling with fear. "Not Harry! Please, have mercy, have mercy…"

"I show no mercy," said Voldemort coldly, and he laughed. Lily screamed again, and he laughed harder. "But if you insist…I suppose I have no choice."

As she screamed again, he pointed his wand at her, and as she felt Harry slide from her arms, as she froze, paralysed with fear, she thought she heard the sounds of someone running, calling her name…but then Voldemort smiled and she couldn't think. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he cried, and then there was a flash of green light, and she knew no more…

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There was only one coherent thought in his head as he drove; save Lily and James, save Harry. He didn't meet anyone as he went. In fact, he would have been alarmed at the lack of people if he had bothered to notice. Somewhere along the way, he remembered his magic and Apparated to the Godric's Hollow Park. He drove from there to the Potter's, fearing the worst, but not knowing exactly what the worst was. He hoped he was not too late to save them and Peter…

He reached the house, and immediately knew it was too late. The door was blown off its hinges, and the front of the house was splintered. He saw a green glow fill the house as he ran. "Lily!" he cried. "James! Lily!" He ran even faster, ignoring the stitch in his side. Then he heard the scream. And the second flash of green light. "LILY! JAMES!"

Then he saw a third flash…but something was different.

Instead of it quickly disappearing, it flickered, and then there was something of an explosion. An inhuman shriek filled the street, one that went on, and on…he thought it would last forever. And, knowing it was a fool's venture, when he ran into the destroyed house, there was no one but Harry, miraculously alive, with Lily's still form curled protectively around him. A slash like a bolt of lightning adorned the child's forehead, the only sign of a curse that ended the lives of thousands. The only sign of the shadows in Harry's past that would be apparent.

"Lily…James…oh, Peter, what have you done?" he whispered softly. Suddenly he knew. "The treacherous bastard! It wasn't Remus…oh, Remus, I'm sorry. Forgive me!" he cried softly into the night. "Please, forgive me…it's my fault, all my fault…" He broke down and sobbed, partially in despair and partially in rage.

"I'll kill him," he whispered. "I'll kill that lying bastard, no matter what they do to me. Peter, you fool, you traitor. You sold Lily and James to Voldemort. And that is a crime I will neither forgive nor forget."

But Harry…he realised then that he would have to take Harry. As his godfather…_James, I never thought you would truly need me. I always thought it was just a title…_

Just then, he noticed Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts, was standing nearby. The half-giant noticed his mourning and awkwardly patted him on the back. "'S alright, Sirius. Ye'll be alright. They're well out of it. And You-Know-Who's gone."

"Lily and James…"

"I'm sorry fer ye. An' fer Harry, too, poor little guy. Lily an' James…weren't a lot like 'em. We'll all miss 'em, Sirius…"

Sirius wiped his eyes, thanking Hagrid silently. "You're a good man. Give Harry to me, Hagrid, I'll take care of him, I'm his godfather…" He trailed off as Hagrid shook his head apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I have ter take 'im. Dumbledore's orders. He's goin' ta 'is aunt an' uncle's."

So Harry wasn't to stay with him. But Sirius couldn't let go without a fight. "But…James wanted…I should take him, you don't know these Muggles, they're awful. How could Harry grow up with them? And they wouldn't want anything to do with him, they hate our kind."

"Sorry, nothin' I kin do. Perhaps ye kin spend holidays wi' him or summat like that." Hagrid patted him on the shoulder once more, and held out his arms. Hesitantly, Sirius handed his godson over to the half-giant, who smiled again at him. "It'll be alright, ye'll see."

Sirius hesitated a moment before speaking. "Here, Hagrid, take the motorbike to get Harry there safe. Once the Death Eaters get wind of Voldemort's defeat, they'll want revenge. The last thing I want is for Harry to be hurt. Besides, I won't need it anymore." He neglected to add that he wouldn't need it because it would forever remind him of this night. The exhilaration would never be the same, would always be tinged with guilt.

He stood and watched as Hagrid rode away, watched as his godson and motorbike disappeared from view. He didn't have anything holding him back. Nothing to lose. And revenge to be had. _I'll avenge you, James. You and Lily. And Harry…and Remus…_

Remus! He still hadn't figured out what exactly was so important to tell him. But he was out of time. Peter…Peter had forced them apart, placed the blame on Remus. Even now, it could be too late. Even now, Remus might hate Sirius for letting Peter sell Lily and James to his Dark master. And there was no time to reconcile. Peter was getting away.

He Apparated to Remus' abode anyway, hoping at least for a glimpse of his friend. He heard nothing but a low, pain-filled moaning, which sounded almost human. More human than Voldemort's last scream. _The wolf is…mourning. Mourning the loss of his Pack…_He couldn't bear it any longer; he turned away and Apparated away.

It took him the remainder of the night to locate Peter, and it was daylight when he confronted the man. His anger hadn't ebbed, nor his rage, as he faced his former friend. He expected fear, taunting, grovelling, out of him. Instead, Peter demanded how he could have killed the Potters.

"Lily and James! How could you?"

"Me? I believe you are mistaken, Wormtail. It was you, not I, who betrayed them. You filthy little rodent. You sold them to Voldemort. And for this, you will die." He didn't smile, but the look of anger must have been just as intimidating, because Peter backed up a step.

"But you'll take the blame," the traitor whispered savagely, and whipped his wand out, blasting a hole in the street behind him. Several people screamed, and the smoke enveloped the two wizards. When all was clear, all that remained of the spy was a single finger and some bloody robes, perfect evidence against him.

"You were more cunning than I thought, Wormtail. Joined your friends in the sewer, have you? I will kill you for this, someday."

He knew there was no point in fleeing. Peter had caused the betrayal to look like Sirius' fault. Wherever he went, someone would find him. He couldn't run forever. And Remus would know him for sure if he transformed into a dog, and would presumably tell Dumbledore. The thought hurt, and for a second he wondered why it hurt more than Peter's betrayal. It was still, though unintentional, a betrayal.

But then he thought of Remus, and realised too late his mistake…realised what he'd forgotten to tell him, or more accurately, hadn't known until this point. The irony of his late epiphany was too much for his emotion-weary mind; he began laughing. Laughing hysterically. And he was still laughing when the Ministry wizards found him, laughing and crying, sobbing and laughing, as they took him away.

_My fault, Remus. My fault for not learning sooner, for letting Peter take my place, for letting Peter get away…I'm sorry, old friend. I'm so sorry, Moony. I don't expect you to forgive me. But I wish I could explain._

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The cell in Azkaban was cold and filthy. But Sirius didn't care, because the events of October thirty-first kept running through his head, and they took up his time. The dying scream of Lily Potter. Peter's empty flat. Remus' mourning howl. The light that claimed James' life. Harry's slashed forehead…

And the thought that he was innocent. The reminder that he still had revenge to complete, still had one reason to live. The reminder that he had to somehow get back to Remus, to tell the werewolf the truth. To explain what he hadn't understood until Peter's escape. To make sure all his friends weren't dead. To free Harry from the Muggles who would despise him.

And because now Moony, the one they'd suspected, Remus Lupin, the man who'd never considered betraying his friends but had been betrayed by each, was now the last Marauder. And Sirius still had one last thing to tell him before he could forget.

_Sleep now, for the moon is nigh_

_The silver light upon the ground._

_And know, my love, until you die_

_In you my paradise is found._

_Sleep now, in the night's dark womb_

_Warm and peaceful on your face_

_And upon the dreamer's loom_

_Recall again our still embrace. _

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**A/N: **You're probably all thinking you know exactly what Sirius couldn't quite get until too late. You probably do. But, it could be anything. So guess, but don't expect me to tell you...

I might add another chapter, but it was written to stand alone. Tell me if you see _any_ mistakes, it's for a competition on and it has to be spelled right and grammatically correct.

So please, press the inviting purple button, and critique me! Don't try and boost my ego, I assure you, it doesn't need it. The honest truth will be better for my chances of winning. So if it sucked, say so.

Kitty


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